


after us.

by allisontrash



Category: Cry Baby - Melanie Martinez (Album), Fall Out Boy, Marina & the Diamonds, Melanie Martinez (Musician), My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: A Fever You Can't Sweat Out (Album), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Depression, Drugs, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Multi, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-21 21:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9568487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allisontrash/pseuds/allisontrash
Summary: Melanie, Pete, Patrick, Ryan, Brendon, Marina, Gerard, Josh and Tyler met in freshman year of high school. Who would have known they all were so alike, yet so unique? Marina is a mess, dripping social anxiety and being unable to socialize, she comes off as a recluse. What people don't know is she can write her heart out. Tyler is emotional and sensitive, but he can play piano to forget his troubles. Josh bangs on the drums to get out his sadness. Pete and Ryan are the bad boys - or the boys who break down and put their happy faces. They seem tough, but underneath their hard shells they're so weak. Gerard acts like he's all fine - but he's not. Patrick looks so happy but his mind is like a storm. For a multitude of reasons, they're all sad. But how hard is it to fix someone who is broken?





	1. We're So Starving

"George Ryan Ross III, please report to the principal's office."  
Josh shouted at the top of his lungs. "Shut the fuck up," Ryan jokingly yelled back. It was the middle of fourth period, free period. Ryan, Josh, Tyler, Brendon, Marina, Gerard, Pete, Patrick and Melanie all had most of their classes together. They were "the emos." Nobody really talked much except for Pete - who always got in trouble. Marina and Melanie were the girls of the group - and Melanie was the youngest of all of them. She was 14 and in tenth grade, which was sort of odd but everyone shook it off. Marina and Melanie were inseparable - literally. Melanie clung onto Marina like a baby. Marina had recently moved from Athens, Greece and was "that weird foreign kid". Half of the school either liked her or knew her, or made fun of her and drooled over her. She was often the most independent of the group, playing piano and writing songs a lot. She hit it off with everyone in the group, but hung out with Melanie, Josh, Tyler and Brendon the most. Ryan was the oldest of the group; 17 and in 10th grade. He always said "I stayed back" to seem like a bad boy, but in reality he just started late. The class itself was basically twenty-six kids in a room with Mrs. Wonder, one of the 10th grade math teachers. Mrs. Wonder was mostly chill, but had a short fuse.  
"PETER WENTZ! SIT DOWN BEFORE I CALL YOUR MOTHER!" Mrs. Wonder yelled. Pete wasn't even doing anything - just tying his shoe. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights when she had screamed his name. He wasn't used to people screaming his name unless it was Patrick. "What the fuck was I even doing you dusty Cheeto?" Pete whispered. Tyler whispered something to Pete a moment after his scolding. 00000000.4 seconds later, he screamed, "NO TYLER, I WON'T FUCKING BUY YOU FRIED CHICKEN!" Faster than you could say, "Pete's gonna get his ass whooped" Pete was handed a detention slip from Mrs. Wonder. Ryan scooted over closer to Brendon and everyone started laughing. The poor Yoo-Hoo box of milk Melanie was drinking suddenly squirted from inside her mouth, out of her tooth gap, and into Pete's face. They all just laughed even harder. "MY MILK!" screamed Mel, and began to yell at Pete for it. "It's your fucking fault my milk is ruined, fuckface." She said, giggling. Pete looked at her with the "are you fucking serious" face. It was so hard to take Pete seriously, but everyone kept bursting into laughter.  
Brendon had moved from the group after Melanie and Pete began to fight a little, and brought his sketchbook and notebook along with him. Brendon's fluffy brunette hair was messy, but in a cute way. His burgundy sweater was soft and a little big on him. Well it wasn't really his - it was Ryan's. He always liked Ryan, ever since they met. They shared so many moments, Brendon could barely find a memory without Ryan - it was just how things were. And he wouldn't have it any other way.

Tuesdays with the clique were never bland.


	2. Obsessions

"Brendon Boyd Urie," called Mrs. Sing, taking attendance. "Here." a tired Brendon replied. "Gerard Arthur Way." Gerard moaned a lazy "Present" before slumping down at his desk. "Peter Lewis Kingsto-" Ms. Sing said before being cut off by Pete's yelling. "I'M HERE, DON'T FINISH THE REST OF THAT SENTENCE!" Pete seriously fucking hated when people said his full name. He didn't feel like Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III. He was just Pete Wentz. He sat down next to Melanie. Pete and Mel were good friends - but Melanie didn't like him as much as she liked Marina. She loved everything about Marina. Her voice, smile, jokes, everything. Pete always hung out with Mel, but she always managed to bring up Marina. He hated it a little, but he still liked Melanie.

Brendon suddenly jumped up with an alarmed look, pushed up his glasses and speeded out the classroom door.

Ryan was walking down the hallway when he saw Brendon sprinting down the hall. " _Mormon boy looks so cute?"_ Ryan thought. Brendon was the meme-y funny, smart, Aries Mormon boy of the group. Ryan was so much different than him but they were best friends nonetheless. He was so insecure under all the layers - the leather jacket, gelled hair, bad boy persona. It was who everyone grew to know as Ryan. Ryan wasn't even his real fucking name; it was George Ryan Ross III. To him, George was someone else. Someone he hid away. He felt like he could be his self with Brendon, who never judged him. With all his weird habits, you wouldn't expect him to be Ryan Ross, school's hottest bad boy. Or at least, the boy who put on lipstick when he felt sad. Somehow makeup made him feel good. He wore lipstick he got from Melanie, flower crowns and whatever feminine accessories she gave him. They were polar opposites, but were like brother and sister. He remembered how he was trying to teach Melanie how to write a song. She said, "You're not smarter than me with your bad poetry. Fuck this, you alphabet boy." He loved Melanie; she was sweet and funny, but she was human. She got bullied so much over her tooth gap, that Ryan beat up three people over it. It sure as hell made both him and Mel feel better.

Brendon was running to find his backpack. He couldn't find his phone, and he probably left it in music class. What if someone stole his phone? His worried thoughts stopped when he saw Ryan walking towards his and Brendon's homeroom. "Ry!" Brendon said, whisking past him. "Phone lost, be right back!" he hurriedly said. _Why was I so excited to see him? He's just a friend. Besides, it's wrong to like boys._ Brendon shook it off as loneliness, and kept running. Ryan opened the classroom door and ran over to his seat next to Marina. "Hi Marina." he said, looking at her. She looked a bit sad, or troubled. "Hi Ryan." she responded, with a teeny smile.  _Her buck teeth are so cute, why is she so insecure about them?_ But Ryan thought of all his insecurities. How fat he thought he was. Unwanted. He thought we was horrid at singing. He hated his hands, and eyes, and mostly everything. Brendon found them as beautiful, what made Ryan himself. "Do you mind if I read what you're writing, Marina?" Ryan said timidly. "Not at all, it's rubbish anyways." she tossed him the purple spiral notebook, open to a page.

_Sunday, wake up, give me a cigarette._

_Last night's love affair is looking vulnerable in my bed_  
_Silk sheet, blue dawn_  
_Colgate, tongue warm_  
  
_Won't you quit your crying?_  
_I can't sleep_  
_One minute I'm a little sweetheart_  
_And next minute you are an absolute creep_  
  
_We've got obsessions_  
_I want to wipe out all the sad ideas that come to me when I am holding you_  
_We've got obsessions_  
_All you ever think about are sick ideas involving me, involving you_  
  
_Supermarket, oh, what packet of crackers to pick?_  
_They're all the same, one brand, one name-_  
_But really they're not_  
_Look, look, just choose something quick_  
_People are staring, time to go quick and_  
_Skin is on fire, just choose something, something, something!_  
_Pressure overwhelming_  
_Next minute, I am turning out of the door_  
_Facing one week without food_  
_A day, a day, when things, things are pretty bad_  
_But don't let it make you feel sad_  
_The crackers were probably bad luck anyway_  
  
_Can't let your cold heart be free_  
_When you act like you've got an OCD_  
  
  
_We've got obsessions_  
_I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week_  
_We've got obsessions_  
_You never told me what it was that made you strong and what it was that made you weak_

Ryan looked up at Marina with a melancholy expression. "Who hurt you so badly that you write so beautifully?" he said, looking at her messy blue pen handwriting. Marina looked up from her knees and looked into Ryan's face."I don't write beautifully. It's just how I feel inside. My mind is the one that hurt me. I wish people looked at me and didn't see Marina. I wish they saw Marina Lambrini Diamandis, the real me. I'm painfully introverted. Ryan, I can never speak my mind without feeling vulnerable. Inside, it hurts so much that I can barely contain it. I go home and play songs on my shitty keyboard about my asshole father. Can you believe he left me? And who would have known it would've hurt so much? A half-Greek half-Welsh girl with an English accent. I'm not anything special. My shitty keyboard, in a shitty household, in a shitty world. Writing stupid songs about love and being socially anxious and awkward to the point I can't even talk to people without stuttering. I hate my writing - but I love it at the same time. It's just where I can be myself, no boundaries. Where I'm myself and it feels so weird. I play weird quirky melodies on my keyboard - Marilyn's her name - with sad lyrics. I don't know what the hell I want to be."

Ryan was astounded. Marina was so intelligent and sensitive, who could have known such a hard shell led to such a soft core?


	3. Black Heart; Black Art

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is called "Daddy Was A Sailor" by Marina and The Diamonds. It's unreleased, and on her unreleased EP Mermaid Vs. Sailor.   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmOs9xu1zZQ
> 
> (It's from 2007, and Marina really did make it in GarageBand. Along with her keyboard. Bear with me if the audio is bad.)
> 
> There's gonna be a lot of chapters with inspiration from songs, FYI. 
> 
>  
> 
> (it's one am and I'm listening to vaporwave what is my life)  
> Also, thank you for reading my story!!

Marina kept staring at Ryan. With the gelled hair, you would have thought he was a beauty queen from the past. "Beauty queen on a silver screen." Marina joked. Ryan smiled. "Anyways, you might as well look through the 'Marina's Rubbish Notebook full of Emoness.' Or, the purple notebook. I'm sorry I'm so bad at writing. And singing. With a shit keyboard and horrible software on my MacBook. Garageband, more like _Garbageband,_ I sound horribly robotic. I'm not a robot." Marina shrugged her shoulders and slid down in her seat. Ryan relaxed himself. He ran his fingers on his dark blue sweater. _Brendon's._ It even smelled like him. Ryan snapped back to reality and kept reading throughout Marina's notebook. 

_Grandpa was a miner_

_And he gave me my black art_   
_Bitter rivers of black coal dust_   
_Tore our country apart_   
  
_Covered in coal dust_   
_Waking up too early in the morning_   
_Covered in coal dust_   
_Waiting for the moment the canary sings_   
  
_Mama was a mermaid_   
_And a Carnaby Street gal_   
_She could have been a model_   
_But she spent her life mopping up spilt milk_   
  
_Covered in sea salt_   
_Would he, could he, be home when the stars came out to party_   
_Covered in sea salt_   
_Yeah I know it was my fault_   
_That he always ran away because he didn't want me_   
  
_Oh, daddy was a sailor_   
_And he gave me a black heart_   
_Oh, daddy was a sailor_   
_The only man that could tear me apart_   
  
_Daddy, daddy, daddy_   
  
_Sister dances salsa_   
_And she chants just like a queen_   
_I was a non-believer when she told me I was free_   
  
_Auntie Emy was a medium_   
_And she worked the Ouija board_   
_Seeking out the lost souls_   
_And taking men back to the Lord_   
  
_Oh but daddy still was a sailor_   
_And he gave me a black heart_   
_Oh, daddy was a sailor_   
_The only man that could tear me apart_   
_Daddy, daddy, daddy._

"Okay, so this sounds weird, but I'm working on a little collection of songs. I'm calling it Mermaid Vs. Sailor. You know, to represent my mother, the mermaid, and my father, the sailor. I'm not even angry at this point," she lowered her voice to a whisper. "I'm sad that he hurt me so bad, all I do is think about how it hurts me. I'm not the vulnerable type but when things hurt me, they hurt me hard. It's like I'm fighting every day to ignore it." Marina said, brunette waves in her face. Ryan looked at how unkempt she appeared.  _She looks skinnier than usual. Her eyes look more sullen, hands shakier and voice tinier._ Marina's deep voice was a break from the high feminine ones. He had heard her singing a Beatles song once, but as soon as Ryan started applauding and whistling to show his appreciation for her voice, she turned a deep red. "Shut the fuck up, you didn't hear that!" she said, running her fingers through her brown curls and running out of the room. She often spent her lunches in the music room, playing piano and singing along quietly; she liked to hide herself. Maybe that's why Ryan and Marina talked so much. Ryan wanted to know why she was hurt.

 

"Marina, are you eating eno-" Ryan began. Marina hurriedly said, "Yes, look how  **fat** I am! I'm just tired is all."

Ryan exhaled. Today was gonna be one of those days.

-

Brendon walked back to class. His phone was safe and sound, in his backpack. He opened the door and looked around. His eyes landed on Ryan and his heart seemed to skip a beat. He nearly forgot anyone else existed. Brendon looked over and saw Marina talking to him. _"Marina? Talking? to someone that isn't Melanie, Tyler, Josh or me? What the fuck,"_ he thought.He inhaled and sprinted over to Ryan and Marina. Marina looked up and smiled a little at Brendon. "Hi Brendon!" she said, getting up to hug him. "Marina, you're crushing me." Brendon said, strained. "Oops, sorry!" she laughed. Brendon sat down next to Ryan, and Marina brought her chair over to the middle. "Check out this cool water bottle I bought at Walmart. It looked like a Rubik's cube. Brendon held it proudly as Marina and Ryan examined it. They "ooh" and "aah'd" at it. Brendon was wearing the burgundy sweater again, with a nice pair of black skinny jeans and a black tee. His parents disliked how he shared his clothes with Ryan sometimes. But Brendon said it was just friendly - nothing more and nothing less. He pushed up his thick rimmed glasses before smiling at the bottle and shoving it in his backpack. For a Mormon boy, Brendon sure knew how to shove and pack tight things. He was always travelling, so he brought his trusty backpack with him. It was named James. The clique always named their things. Brendon named it after he met this cool kid with a double bass named James. Marina named her keyboard Marilyn, Melanie named her tooth gap Deg, Pete named his hair Ross. Patrick named his fedora Wilson. Brendon pulled out some candy, most notably sour patch gummies. Marina's eyes widened. "I always don't spell "fruit" fruit. I spell it "froot" with interlocking O's. It's this stupid thing Lafina and I came up with." Lafina was Marina's older sister, who was still back in Wales. A dreamy look overtook her eyes for a moment before she looked back at Brendon and Ryan. "You might come off as illiterate!" Ryan said, bursting into laughter. Brendon started laughing, too. Marina shook her head and smiled. Ryan looked at Brendon, how cute he looked when he laughed. Smiled. Walked. Anything. He was just so amazing he could barely put it into words. He felt like he was in a body of water, in a late dark sky. Staring up at the moon and stars. He felt empty, but in a good way. Airless. Like driving down a road late night, playing some old songs. Like no problems were there to plague him. Just the feeling of Brendon being with him made him feel happy. Like he was all Ryan needed to stay together. 

 

 


	4. Places, Places

Brendon looked at how happy Marina seemed for a moment. She seemed truly happy for once. The class was full of people he didn't know. Tyler, Josh and Melanie were probably writing or playing in the music room. He remembered how Melanie was writing a song on guitar. She called it Dollhouse (I See Things That Nobody Else Sees) and she seemed so proud of it.

_Hey girl, open the walls, play with our dolls._

_We'll be a perfect family._  
_When you walk away is when we snap out of it and come back to reality_  
_You don't hear me when I say,_  
_"Mom, where did you go?_ _Dad's going nuts, and your son is skipping school again."_

 _These people never listen, while bright blue eyes glisten,_ _Don't let them see what goes down in the kitchen._

_Places, places, get in your places. Throw on a bow and some bright pink lipstick. Everyone thinks that we're perfect. The mess that hides behind that curtain. Photograph, darling, smile for the photograph. Make a dollface, smile and laugh. Just suck it up, soon it'll be over fast. Everyone thinks that we're perfect. The mess that hides behind that curtain. D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E, I see things that nobody else sees._

 

Brendon smiled at Marina and Ryan. He pulled out a honey bun and gave it to Ryan. "Here, you've been looking unusually skinny." Ryan stared at it. He sighed before opening the plastic bag and taking a bite into it. It tasted sweet and sugary, but Ryan's indulgence into the food made him feel guilty. _You're so fucking fat, just like your dad says. Fucking glutton._ It pained him to swallow. Ryan hesitated, and told himself it's just a little honey bun. He guiltily smiled. "Th-thanks Bren," he said after heavily swallowing. Brendon noticed Marina had gotten a lot paler and skinnier. He looked at her amber eyes that always seemed to glow. How sad they seemed lately. Marina must've caught on to his thoughts, because she hurriedly said she wasn't hungry. Brendon looked back at Ryan while he was finishing the snack. Ryan gazed into Brendon's wide doe eyes. The things he thought seemed so sinful. But it wasn't a tragedy. It was bittersweet.  
- 

Later that night, Ryan laid awake. He wanted Brendon, more than a friend should. He wanted to have Brendon by his side - through thick and thin. There to numb the pain.

George Ryan Ross III will always deny that he is obviously, madly in love with Brendon Boyd Urie. 

 


	5. Happy

"Do you ever just feel like you're someone else?'

Marina said, looking at the dark blue grey sky. 

Ryan looked at her. They were outside in the grass, during free period. Marina ran a hand through her wild brown locks. "Yeah." Ryan admitted. He always felt like someone else. Ryan. Who the hell was Ryan Ross? He only knew George Ryan Ross III, honors student. A good boy. He separated himself from who he used to be. The birds flew, and the leaves floated around. They were both alone; everyone else in the other parts of the school, or farther away. Marina sat down in the left side of the tree, and Ryan sat a few feet away. "I always feel like everyone just sees a girl. They don't see my personality. They judge me so hard for no reason. Because I'm different." She sighed. She grabbed her backpack, reached in and pulled out a candy bar. She rustled for a few more seconds and pulled out another one. She held it out to Ryan and nudged him. He looked away from the distance and grimaced at the sight. He felt sick to his stomach looking at it. He'd been eating awful sweets lately. He thought to himself, "Eat now and cry later." Ryan hasn't cried for years. It's not that he didn't have anything to cry about; He had plenty of reasons. It's the fact that he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to cry. He could lay down and shake, or put his hands to his mouth and try, but all that came out were heavy breaths. Ryan guiltily stared at it. He timidly took the Hershey's bar and smiled. "Thanks Marina." he said, biting into it. How good the chocolate tasted; but he couldn't enjoy it. It simply didn't bring him pleasure. 

Nothing much gave him pleasure anymore. Brendon, Marina, Tyler and the rest of the gang made him happy. Marina watched as he ate it. "You're welcome, Ryan." She said, "I hate my accent so much - it's like a bad habit that I can't kick. Back in Wales my accent was just normal. But here, it's just something shitty about me. I hate how deep my voice is. I hate it so much. It's deep and awkward and - I just," She paused. She sighed. Ryan looked at her with a frown. "Are you so quiet because you don't wanna be judged?" Ryan touched her shoulder, and she crumpled like a house of cards in his arms. "It's not that!" she cried. Ryan shushed her, and ran his calloused hands through her tangled brown hair. She sobbed hardly, blue mascara running down her white T-shirt. She reached to wipe away the blue mascara tears, but Ryan put her hands back behind him and wiped them on his leather jacket. Between labored sobs, she managed to croak out a "I wish he loved me!" before crying even harder. "Who?" Ryan whispered softly. Marina whimpered. "My f-f-fa-father! He wouldn't have left if he loved me!" Ryan felt all of Marina's pain. She always felt alone. Like an outsider. Even with Melanie, Brendon or Ryan. Marina kept crying into Ryan's shoulder until she started shakily singing.

 _Couldn't relax, couldn't sit back_  
_And let the sunlight in my lap_  
 _I sang a hymn to bring me peace_  
 _And then it came, a melody_  
  
_It felt so sweet, it felt so strong_  
 _It made me feel like I belonged_  
 _And all the sadness inside me_  
 _Melted away like I was free_  
  
_I found what I'd been looking for in myself_  
 _Found a life worth living for someone else_  
 _Never thought that I could be, I could be_  
 _Happy, happy_  
  
_Don't go out much at all_  
 _I've never been the type to call_  
 _I realize to be happy_  
 _Maybe I need a little company_  
  
_So now you know, you know it all_  
 _That I've been des-desperately alone_  
 _I haven't found the one for me_  
 _But I believe in divinity_

Ryan looked into her amber brown orbs. Marina nervously choked out a, "I'm sorry. My lyrics are horrible." 

Ryan looked at her nervous face. "There's nothing to be sorry about, sweetheart. You're beautiful and so is your voice." Marina's eyes lit up with a spark of happiness.

Ryan began to sing to her, cradling her as she was still shaking.

 _The I.V. and your hospital bed_  
_This was no accident_  
_This was a therapeutic chain of events_  
  
_This is the scent of dead skin on a linoleum floor_  
_This is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital_  
_It's not so pleasant_  
_And it's not so conventional_  
_It sure as hell ain't normal_  
_But we deal, we deal_  
  
_The anesthetic never set in and I'm wondering where_  
_The apathy and urgency is that I thought I phoned in_  
_It's not so pleasant._  
_And it's not so conventional_  
_It sure as hell ain't normal_  
_But we deal, we deal_  
  
_Just sit back, just sit back_  
_Just sit back and relax_  
_Just sit back, just sit back_  
_Just sit back and relapse again_  
  
_Can't take the kid from the fight_  
_take the fight from the kid_  
_Sit back, relax_  
_Sit back, relapse again_  
_Can't take the kid from the fight_  
_take the fight from the kid_  
_Just sit back, just sit back_

Marina was enchanted by Ryan's beautiful voice. She pulled a little bit away and her eyes shone gold. "Did you write that yourself?" she asks. Ryan responds after opening his eyes. "No. Brendon and I wrote it together - I wrote most of it, but Bren gave it his little charm." he said softly.

 

 


	6. not a chapter

Okay, so this is just a quick update. I'm gonna change some things around, so the plot can develop quickly.  
Yes, there is hella Ryden, just wait.   
Okay, thank you!!


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